Wobble

I had a bit of a wobble this weekend. I mentioned last week that I’ve had a bit of a stressful time recently (non-Spud related), and everything suddenly caught up with me as I had a bit of a cry on T’s shoulder. He did say, though, that he was surprised that it hadn’t happened earlier!

Today marks the beginning of Week 37; traditionally considered Term, or at least Near-Term, meaning that if Spud was born right now, she probably wouldn’t need medical intervention.

I’m worried about the pain, and while I’ve been super chilled about the ‘giving birth’ aspect of the experience for most of the pregnancy, now that it’s imminent I’m getting a bit scared. It’s scary because it’s so unpredictable: will it be quick, or last for hours on end? Will I have to have an intervention? Will I tear? All of these questions that no one can answer because every single time it’s completely different.

I’m scared about what happens next too. Everything I’ve done in my life I’ve known I could quit if I hated it; jobs, houses, relationships – everything. This; not so much. I’ve got Spud now for the rest of my life and the permanence of it is pretty terrifying. It means re-evaluating everything that I am, and refashioning my identity into a “mum”. This is weird and scary for me. What if I don’t know how to be a mum?

I think, oddly, what brought it on was a really mundane realisation: one day in the next couple of weeks T and I will leave the house. We will come back through the door with a baby. There will still be the same recycling in the box that needs to be taken out, and the same washing in the basket that needs to be sorted as there was before we left; life will not have changed, but life will have changed forever.

Did you have a moment like this during pregnancy? How did you deal with it?